Texas roadtrip

A little over a month ago we said goodbye to our home in southern California.  The almost 1,400 mile drive took us over 24 hours and we did it in 2 days.  

It was definitely sad driving away from the ocean and remembering all the good and bad memories from the past 6 years.  We were married on Camp Pendleton, we moved 3 times throughout San Clemente, we were devastated when we lost a nephew and a brother, I was diagnosed with cancer, we bought 6 new cars and a motorcycle, and I found out I was pregnant 3 times. Carson and Maddox made us parents, we walked the beach trail more times than I can even count and made dozens of great friends.  It isn't easy closing that chapter of our lives and starting a new adventure no matter how exciting the adventure.  Because lets face it, the unknown is scary.
But here we go...

Sitting out on the front walkway for the last time.

        

Watching movies on the ride.  What would I have done without the DVD players?

Stopped at In-n-Out for one last time. 

Watching the sunrise in Arizona while the boys slept on our drive.  And of course we stopped at Taco Cabana as soon as we could.  Hello warm tortillas and liquid cheese!

The last few hours of the drive were never ending.  During those last few hours, Carson used the F word correctly in a sentence for the first time as well.  I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or holler when I heard him struggling in the back seat only to say "This f-ing window won't open."   No son, the window won't open because I put the window lock on 700 miles ago.  I'll admit it, I laughed, quietly so he didn't see or hear.  I couldn't help it.  But we now know about naughty words and Daddy is watching his mouth much better.     

We survived the ride and we had Miles and Caroline waiting for us with a beer and Oreo cookies for the pregnant lady.      

dreams

I have wanted to be a mom since I can remember.  I probably played with dolls entirely too long, MASH was a game I frequently played and I dreamed of having a minivan.  Somehow, since the fourth grade I knew I could have 3 children.  I could hardly wait to have babies after Jared and I got married.  I didn't know what being a Mother would be like but I knew I wanted it.   From the moment I knew that my children were going to be part of our family they captured my heart.  Feeling my baby move for the first time in my belly is nothing short of a miracle.  Seeing your child for the first time and holding them in your arms is a euphoria that cannot be beat. 

 Carson and Maddox have filled a place in my heart that was open for them since I was a little girl, they have made my dreams come true.

I can only hope to do the same for them.

Being a Mom makes me appreciate my Mom and Mother-in-law because this isn't and easy job.  Not all days are fun and filled with finger painting, trips to the park and dinner tables where everyone eats their vegetables.  More days than none, I lay in bed at night and feel awful for yelling too much or not playing "fire station" and sweeping the floor instead.  I often wonder how my boys will turn out to be good people, I pray for more patience and most days I just feel exhausted.  I feel sorry for that.  Motherhood is a work in progress for me and I wish I was as good at it as I had dreamt as a little girl.

We are all a work in progress and nobody is perfect.  I want my boys to be happy and kind people.  And I am right here with them learning how to be a happy and kind mama.  

  I can't express the joy Carson and Maddox bring me on a daily basis and I can only imagine what their brother will add to our family.  These guys in my life really are a dream come true and even on the nights that I lie in bed feeling badly about being a selfish mom, I also feel grateful for having the chance to be the mother to these boys.  

So Thank you Jared, Carson, Maddox and no.3 for making me a mother.  For making my dreams come true.  For filling a place in my heart and making me full.  For teaching me everyday about forgiveness and selflessness.  I love you more than words can express. 

cold water in the face

April, 23 2012

Damn April 23.

I will never forget April 23.  It's just another day for most people, even the people that know me.  I want it to be just another day for me too.  I'd like to forget, I really want to.

What I remember about that day is my girlfriends keeping me busy that morning. Since they knew I was waiting for a phone call from Dr. Hunt.  They took me to my favorite place, Target.  If I am ever having a bad day Target is usually a good solution.  While filling our red carts, there happened to be a small earthquake.  

I still wonder was the earthquake a sign?  A sign of the shit storm that would follow that afternoon.  

As Carson slept upstairs, I had just sat down on the couch and began nursing Maddox.  It was exactly 1:00pm when Dr. Hunt called.  All I heard was "Reed Sternberg cells present...Hodgkins lymphoma."  

Everything went still.  I heard nothing but ringing in my ears.  I asked the doctor to repeat what he had told me.  When he told me for a second time I  felt like I had ADD.  I just couldn't comprehend what he was saying no matter how hard I tried to listen.

That moment and the fear of cancer still feels so fresh.  The unknown and the waiting.  The vomiting and hair loss.  It's all so familiar. And it all sucked.  It's only been a year but it's been a whole year.  I want to forget.  I don't want to be the crazy hypochondriac that goes psycho the second my body feels something different.  I want to forget all of it ever happened even though it is behind me and it's over.  Because, I guess what I fear most is the "what if's." 

What if...

 I can still taste the chemo in my mouth sometimes.  Anything that resembles red kool-aid (one of my chemo drugs looked like it) makes me want to vomit.  Since we moved I'll never have to step foot in the oncology office where I received treatment, thank God.  Just being there for a check up made me feel ill.  I can no longer drink water out of my camelbak water bottle.  It was the water bottle I took with me to chemo and I would drink as much water as possible out of it in an effort to flush the poison out of my body.   Just drinking out of it makes me sick.  So I finally bought a new water bottle.

I'd love to forget all of that too...  

Forget all the bad news of April 23, 2012 and the shit storm that followed.  

But of course if I forgot the bad news I wouldn't appreciate the little daily miracles nearly as much.  

The book Carry On, Warrior was given to me by my sister-in-law .  The woman who wrote the book was diagnosed with Lyme disease.  At the end of the chapter where she talks about being diagnosed she writes this:

"Sometimes bad news is the best way to see all the good quickly and clearly.  Bad news has a way of waking us up sort of like a cold water in the face.  We might prefer waking in a gentler way but we can't argue with the efficiency of the cold water method."

So yes, even though I would love to forget April 23 and what it brought, I won't be able to.  The daily gratitude cancer has given me is one thing I can be thankful for.  

Life is hard.  Myself and my family have had our share of heartache.  Probably more than the average family.  But each healthy day on this earth is a miracle to me.  I really do believe it is the small moments in life that make it worth living.  It's being in the other room and listening to Jared read to the boys.  Or unloading the dishwasher only to look over and see Maddox dancing with his little Elmo radio.  Really there is nothing cuter than a baby dancing.  And riding in the car last night, telling spooky stories and listening to Carson whisper "once upon a time..." as told us his 3 year old version of a scary story. 

Those are the moments that get you through the rest of it all.   

   

        

    

   

Happy Easter!

We sort of had a white trash low key Easter.  In the midst of house hunting and settling in to life at Miles and Caroline's we dropped the ball on a festive Easter.  Jared needed pants last minute for Austin PD orientation tomorrow (note to Jared: please try cloths on in advance of needing them).  He has two beautiful suits that we bought just two years ago and they do not fit as he has gone on a weight lifting kick and gained about 20 pounds.  So we were those people at Old Navy today looking for a pair of khakis that he could wear with a suit jacket.  Luckily Old Navy was open, otherwise it would have been a pair of Faded Glory pants from Wal-Mart.  

Lunch was super classy as well and we picked up Five Guys on our way home from shopping.  We start the paleo diet tomorrow.  Well, lets be honest, Caroline and Jared start the diet tomorrow.  I am going to try and do it 75% of the time but I am pregnant after all and this baby boy makes me one hungry Mama.         

The Easter bunny, however, did not disappoint and left Easter baskets hidden with treats and goodies. 

I would have really liked a nice picture of our family on Easter but that didn't happen either.  I did catch a few of the boys playing in the yard today.  They absolutely love Roscoe, Miles and Caroline's dog.  The dog is a saint too!  He was chasing the neighbors dog on the other side of the fence and the boys just stood and watched him.  

(notice Roscoe's water dish in Maddox hand)  

And the water dish on his head...hilarious.  

 Even though we didn't to anything special it was nice to spend the day with Family for once.  Something I will get very used to!

Happy Easter!  

another BROTHER!

Looks like we will be having another little boy!  Carson called it.  Of course the days prior he wouldn't entertain the idea of a baby girl, he would only talk of a boy.  So he was excited at the ultrasound to see that the baby "has a penis."  But, as soon as we left, he whined in the car saying "I wanted a girl baby."  You can't win with 3 year olds.

My sister-in-law had a great point, I won't be tempted to blow a wad of cash on the adorable pink, lace and floral outfits.  Very true.  I have everything for a boy and know what do do with little boys.  

Then my mother-in-law said something I hope to never forget.  That I will make a wonderful mother of all boys.  Thanks Andrea!       

Boy or girl it is so nice to see a beating heart and what looks like a healthy baby forming. 

 All I want is a happy and healthy little guy.  

This isn't the greatest quality of ultrasound image but the proof is in the pudding.   

A perfect little hand waving hello.  Jared's words were "well we know he has 5 fingers."  

Long skinny legs! He was super funny and kept stretching them in and out.  Already working on his squat technique.    

Profile pic.  

These pictures were taken by two different ultrasound techs.  And both of them said "what a beautiful baby."  and how the baby has "a perfect nose." and "cute little lips."  I don't believe any of the people who scanned me with Carson or Maddox said, based off of a grainy ultrasound image, what a good looking baby we are having.  I'm dying to see what this baby looks like...he may just be the next Brad Pitt.  

Either way we are thrilled.

    

         

Happy Belated Birthday Daren

Yesterday Daren should have turned 27.

My favorite picture!  

We typically keep his birthday light and happy.  We want to be able to share Daren with the boys and for them to have happy "memories" of their Uncle on his birthday.  Carson and I always make a birthday treat for him and I take the quiet time with Carson to explain who we are making the birthday treat for.  But as my kids get older I think it will be a nice tradition for us to make his birthday cake together.
We all like to eat our favorite meal on our birthday.  Somehow Daren's favorite meal has come to be known as, chicken fingers.  Jared is not convinced that this was actually his favorite meal as an adult and felt we needed to have something more grown up.  I don't know what his favorite meal was as an adult.  I don't know many of Daren's favorites actually but I do not believe him to be a picky eater.  So we had these patty melts instead.  What guy doesn't like beef, bread and cheese???
Ya, he would have loved 'em.  

      

Daren also enjoyed Andrea's raspberry breakfast roll.  If you have never had it, it is like a biscuit version of a Racine kringle.  So I made these raspberry crumble bars for a little treat.

While eating dessert we talked more about Daren and I brought out a picture to show Carson.  We all said "Happy Birthday Daren." And as I got up to put the picture away Carson exclaimed "we love you."
MELTED my heart to hear such sweet words come from his mouth.

Happy Birthday Daren, we love you!
(even if chicken fingers was your favorite meal as an adult too)

cats outta the bag

Big news in the Hidalgo household...our family of four will be a family of five this summer.  We have all gotten used to the idea and are becoming more and more excited with each day.  I might lose my sanity having three kids under the age of four (and look like a lame soccer Mom driving a minivan) but I think it will make for a big, fun, loud, messy and very happy family.  

The day we told Carson, he laid on the couch and whined for almost two hours, saying "I don't want to have another baby!"  I couldn't take it anymore and we left the house and took him to Rocket Fizz just to get his mind off of it (and to shut him up).  Then, we were at the park last week and there was a woman with a small baby.  He looked at the woman, pointed to her baby and said "we want one of those."  It was really sweet and a huge sigh of relief.  So he has become more aware of infants and seems excited.  

Tomorrow we are going to go have an ultrasound and see if we can find out the babies gender.  

These are our predictions:

Jared:

Jenny:

Carson:

 Chinese Calender:

(it was correct for both boys)

Heart Rate at 10 weeks:

My OBGYN, Dr. Johnson:

Looks like you are sorely out numbered Carson.  Sorry buddy, but I hope you are wrong!